The Two Sides of Enabling

When I was a little girl my mother helped me in different ways. Two really stand out. She taught me to read and she gave me a musical education. Of course, being literate opened the doors to everything. Because I can read I can write and it has enabled me to become educated. My studies in music also opened doors that have given me tremendous pleasure and the ability, at times, to earn a living. In these instances my mother’s actions helped me to develop and grow. They empowered me and enriched my life.

What my mother did for me fits the definition of the word enable as listed on www.merriam-webster.com. Here it means to provide someone with the skills or opportunity to do something. Enabling in this sense makes things easy and possible. However, in the psychological sense, there is a negative side to the word. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enabling)

After I lost my ability to speak normally around the age of twelve, I became familiar with the negative side of enabling. This is probably the one that most of us think of when we hear about someone who makes it easy for a drug addict to get more pills, or for an alcoholic to procure liquor. For those unable to speak, the negative enabler is anyone who decides to do any and everything for us because of our limitation. Although they may have the best of intentions, their enabling is destructive and doesn’t help at all.

From the time I lost my normal speech all I wanted was to be able to convey what I was thinking. For most of my life I didn’t have email or a means to help me communicate, but I could have written if I had thought of it or if someone had encouraged me to write what I wanted to say. That action would have shown confidence in me as a thinker and I would have felt respected. It would have given me a sense of control and made me feel better.

Instead, different people often took it upon themselves to finish what I was struggling to say or they would speak for me. In the beginning I felt so helpless that I appreciated this, but in time their action only made me feel worse about my predicament and myself. It made me focus more on my disability and I became ridden with anxiety and fear about my inability to talk for myself. Frequently an enabler took over the conversation and I retired to the background. I stayed there for years, feeling alienated and dependent while craving the skills that would help me to be understood. Their covering up robbed me of facing myself and developing skills to cope with my condition. I wanted to be heard so much, but not through someone else’s voice. I needed to find my own.

I believe that negative enablers are unable to face the truth. I saw it happen to my mother after I lost my normal speech. For reasons I never learned and will never understand, she couldn’t admit that I had a speech problem. Even though she saw me struggle to speak and heard my abnormal voice, she denied that anything was wrong. My mother turned a blind eye and dealt with my abnormality by blaming me. Other parents spoil their children, but the results are the same. Everyone suffers.

Similarly, I have seen a lot of harmful enabling with the Deaf. It happens when a Deaf child doesn’t learn sign language, the one thing that can give them their own voice. If a negative enabler starts speaking for the child and doing everything else for them, the child is robbed of the immense importance of learning a language and of becoming independent. These enablers don’t understand that someone who has a communication handicap is more than capable of learning and leading a full life. Even when my speech was at its worse, I wasn’t limited in other ways. Making that assumption about anyone with a disability is unfair.

According to www.livestrong.com many negative enablers are insecure. They often have feelings of guilt for whatever is wrong so they overly protect themselves and/or whomever they are trying to help. I have seen them make excuses for an imperfection or impairment, and act as if it’s not there when it’s obvious to everyone else.

Of course, there are levels of enabling. In my case I became so offended by negative enabling that I separated myself from it. I was fortunate to recognize what was happening to me and to have the know-how to find my own way. However, in extreme cases a child may not learn well in school or not fit in socially because the enabler has taken over making everyday decisions and dealing with responsibilities that belong to the child. Sometimes normal progress is not only impeded and delayed. It stops.

Whether or not you are disabled, we all need the proper respect and guidance to lead a full and happy life. If we look honestly at a situation and its potential, we can help others naturally develop as human beings. But, if we enable by trying to walk or talk for someone else, we will do more harm than good. I hope we can all learn to positively help each other by focusing on our strengths and allowing each of us to follow on our own unique path.