When I was a little girl
my mother helped me in different ways. Two really stand out. She taught me to
read and she gave me a musical education. Of course, being literate opened the
doors to everything. Because I can read I can write and it has enabled me to
become educated. My studies in music also opened doors that have given me
tremendous pleasure and the ability, at times, to earn a living. In these
instances my mother’s actions helped me to develop and grow. They empowered me
and enriched my life.
What my mother did for me
fits the definition of the word enable as listed on www.merriam-webster.com. Here it
means to provide someone with the skills or opportunity to do something.
Enabling in this sense makes things easy and possible. However, in the
psychological sense, there is a negative side to the word. (See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enabling)
After I lost my ability to speak normally around the age
of twelve, I became familiar with the negative side of enabling. This is
probably the one that most of us think of when we hear about someone who makes
it easy for a drug addict to get more pills, or for an alcoholic to procure
liquor. For those unable to speak, the negative enabler is anyone who decides
to do any and everything for us because of our limitation. Although they may
have the best of intentions, their enabling is destructive and doesn’t help at
all.
From the time I lost my
normal speech all I wanted was to be able to convey what I was thinking. For
most of my life I didn’t have email or a means to help me communicate, but I
could have written if I had thought of it or if someone had encouraged me to write
what I wanted to say. That action would have shown confidence in me as a
thinker and I would have felt respected. It would have given me a sense of
control and made me feel better.
Instead, different people
often took it upon themselves to finish what I was struggling to say or they
would speak for me. In the beginning I felt so helpless that I appreciated
this, but in time their action only made me feel worse about my predicament and
myself. It made me focus more on my disability and I became ridden with
anxiety and fear about my inability to talk for myself. Frequently an enabler took over the conversation and I retired to the
background. I stayed there for years, feeling alienated and dependent while
craving the skills that would help me to be understood. Their covering
up robbed me of facing myself and
developing skills to cope with my condition. I
wanted to be heard so much, but not through someone else’s voice. I needed to
find my own.
I believe that negative
enablers are unable to face the truth. I saw it happen to my mother after I
lost my normal speech. For reasons I never learned and will never understand,
she couldn’t admit that I had a speech problem. Even though she saw me struggle
to speak and heard my abnormal voice, she denied that anything was wrong. My
mother turned a blind eye and dealt with my abnormality by blaming me. Other
parents spoil their children, but the results are the same. Everyone suffers.
Similarly, I have seen a
lot of harmful enabling with the Deaf. It happens when a Deaf child doesn’t
learn sign language, the one thing that can give them their own voice. If a
negative enabler starts speaking for the child and doing everything else for
them, the child is robbed of the immense importance of learning a language and
of becoming independent. These enablers don’t understand that someone who has a
communication handicap is more than capable of learning and leading a full
life. Even when my speech was at its worse, I wasn’t limited in other ways.
Making that assumption about anyone with a disability is unfair.
According to www.livestrong.com
many negative enablers are insecure. They often have feelings of guilt for
whatever is wrong so they overly protect themselves and/or whomever they are
trying to help. I have seen them make excuses for an imperfection or impairment, and act as if it’s not there when
it’s obvious to everyone else.
Of course, there are levels of enabling. In my case I
became so offended by negative enabling that I separated myself from it. I was
fortunate to recognize what was happening to me and to have the know-how to
find my own way. However, in extreme cases a child may not learn well in school or not fit in socially because the
enabler has taken over making everyday decisions and dealing with
responsibilities that belong to the child. Sometimes normal progress is not
only impeded and delayed. It stops.
Whether or not you are
disabled, we all need the proper respect and guidance to lead a full and happy
life. If we look honestly at a situation and its potential, we can help others
naturally develop as human beings. But, if we enable by trying to walk or talk
for someone else, we will do more harm than good. I hope we can all learn to
positively help each other by focusing on our strengths and allowing each of us
to follow on our own unique path.
